Body Image.

Today I didn't eat much before leaving home because there's not much food here. But I went to FNB and ate everything I could and then I went and bought some raspberry fruit sweetened vegan icecream and some fruit sweetened chocolate chip cookies, so I could make little sandwiches while staffing at the bong hall. It was expensive but I made some money yesterday and figured I may as well treat myself. I ate it all as quickly as I could so the ice cream wouldn't melt. Then Kate offered me homemade vegan meatloaf and mashed potatoes and even though I was full I couldn't pass it up. Then I went to smellarity after my shift and someone made vegan banana coconut ice cream. I said I didn't want any because it was cold and I my stomach was so full anyway. A couple minutes later I was looking for it in the freezer. When I came home Yyks offered me some potatoes and at this point I was over feeling too full to eat and in the non-stop eating mode. After I ate the rest fo what she cooked, I ate a banana with peanut buter.

Yesterday I had a modeling gig. It was far away and one of the photographers picked me up at a BART station to drive me there. He had his e-mail exchanages with the coordinating photographer printed out so that he could read directions and things like that. I sat in the back because we were picking someone else up and the print outs sat next to me. I, sleepy with not much to say anyway, glanced over at the paper. It said that I had been on a previous shoot with them, which was true, and that he should remember me from that. In parenthesis it said "waif-like." Really? The other time I shot with them was almost a year ago and I guess I have gained weight since then, but I don't think I look that different and I don't think I could be described as such now. Plus, this person saw more recent photos of me when I replied to the ad he places this time. It made me not worry about eating lots at brunch before the shoot at least.

I wonder why people view me this way. Not all people. There was the time, over a year ago, when Nathan first moved here and he hugged me and told me I was plump, because he hadn't seen me since Pittsburgh. There was the time when I said hi to Muldavia/Consuela/Crazy hat lady on Telegraph and Durant who I talk to about music sometimes and she didn't know who I was. And when I told her she didn't believe me because I was too big.

But most people refer to me as tiny. I am average height. I am not very thin. I know I'm not, because I used to be. When I was in high school my English teacher, who I really liked a lot, told me that she was really concerned about me. People always talked to me about my non-existant eating disorder. It really did a lot for my already low self-esteem, let me tell you. When I had to go get mission clothes to ride the greyhound on homeward bound - they pick out the clothes for you - I was given pants 3 sizes too small. Am I an optical illusion? I have tried to tell friends that I am not tiny before. I get defensive because of how things used to be and I'm proud tht I have gained weight. I lift up my shirt and show them my stomach and they say "stop sticking it out." But I'm not. And they don't believe me.

I kind of worry about this because my mom is skinny but has a really big belly. But she drinks like 100 beers a day. Please tell me this is why.

Since I started modeling, I have started realizing that I am not a petite model. There are lots of people who are as skinny as I used to be. I stand up for them a lot. But I am not one of them anymore. Sometimes it even bums me out. When I went to a clinic in New Orleans and weighed in at 135 I was like "wtf." I was always under 100 pounds until I went vegan. And then quitting smoking probably added a considerable amount. I think I am happy with it overall. I wish I could readjust it in some places.

But anyway, the only thing I am unhappy with is how I am eating when I'm entirely full. About to burst. I used to make jokes about it. But now I think about people who can't eat, even when they're hungry. And it makes me feel selfish and also gluttony is a deadly sin and I am going to burn in hell. Oh jesus. Ahem. Ahh. Where am I going with this? I think I already went there and now I'm justs wandering around.. I think I have said everything I wanted to say.


Anonymous said...

You are beautiful. Don't spend so much time worrying about how others perceive your body. If you're going to worry about anything, worry about how you perceive your own soul.

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