Body Image.

Today I didn't eat much before leaving home because there's not much food here. But I went to FNB and ate everything I could and then I went and bought some raspberry fruit sweetened vegan icecream and some fruit sweetened chocolate chip cookies, so I could make little sandwiches while staffing at the bong hall. It was expensive but I made some money yesterday and figured I may as well treat myself. I ate it all as quickly as I could so the ice cream wouldn't melt. Then Kate offered me homemade vegan meatloaf and mashed potatoes and even though I was full I couldn't pass it up. Then I went to smellarity after my shift and someone made vegan banana coconut ice cream. I said I didn't want any because it was cold and I my stomach was so full anyway. A couple minutes later I was looking for it in the freezer. When I came home Yyks offered me some potatoes and at this point I was over feeling too full to eat and in the non-stop eating mode. After I ate the rest fo what she cooked, I ate a banana with peanut buter.

Yesterday I had a modeling gig. It was far away and one of the photographers picked me up at a BART station to drive me there. He had his e-mail exchanages with the coordinating photographer printed out so that he could read directions and things like that. I sat in the back because we were picking someone else up and the print outs sat next to me. I, sleepy with not much to say anyway, glanced over at the paper. It said that I had been on a previous shoot with them, which was true, and that he should remember me from that. In parenthesis it said "waif-like." Really? The other time I shot with them was almost a year ago and I guess I have gained weight since then, but I don't think I look that different and I don't think I could be described as such now. Plus, this person saw more recent photos of me when I replied to the ad he places this time. It made me not worry about eating lots at brunch before the shoot at least.

I wonder why people view me this way. Not all people. There was the time, over a year ago, when Nathan first moved here and he hugged me and told me I was plump, because he hadn't seen me since Pittsburgh. There was the time when I said hi to Muldavia/Consuela/Crazy hat lady on Telegraph and Durant who I talk to about music sometimes and she didn't know who I was. And when I told her she didn't believe me because I was too big.

But most people refer to me as tiny. I am average height. I am not very thin. I know I'm not, because I used to be. When I was in high school my English teacher, who I really liked a lot, told me that she was really concerned about me. People always talked to me about my non-existant eating disorder. It really did a lot for my already low self-esteem, let me tell you. When I had to go get mission clothes to ride the greyhound on homeward bound - they pick out the clothes for you - I was given pants 3 sizes too small. Am I an optical illusion? I have tried to tell friends that I am not tiny before. I get defensive because of how things used to be and I'm proud tht I have gained weight. I lift up my shirt and show them my stomach and they say "stop sticking it out." But I'm not. And they don't believe me.

I kind of worry about this because my mom is skinny but has a really big belly. But she drinks like 100 beers a day. Please tell me this is why.

Since I started modeling, I have started realizing that I am not a petite model. There are lots of people who are as skinny as I used to be. I stand up for them a lot. But I am not one of them anymore. Sometimes it even bums me out. When I went to a clinic in New Orleans and weighed in at 135 I was like "wtf." I was always under 100 pounds until I went vegan. And then quitting smoking probably added a considerable amount. I think I am happy with it overall. I wish I could readjust it in some places.

But anyway, the only thing I am unhappy with is how I am eating when I'm entirely full. About to burst. I used to make jokes about it. But now I think about people who can't eat, even when they're hungry. And it makes me feel selfish and also gluttony is a deadly sin and I am going to burn in hell. Oh jesus. Ahem. Ahh. Where am I going with this? I think I already went there and now I'm justs wandering around.. I think I have said everything I wanted to say.

Finally, something new!

A new post!

So, I have been back at home in the bay area since January. I'm going to leave again soon, in early June. I have been involved in lots of projects here and not making nearly any money for rent at all! Who cares?

On Tuesday I'm going to start riding my bike to Santa Cruz and then I'll start riding back on the 12th probably.

Last Thursday, I had a shoot at the landfill.
Everyone loves the landfill!

The weather was warmer than it usually is there, being on the bay and all. [Though ever since, it's been raining....] It was so nice to meet L. Raye, who took photos of me for a little under two hours, too! It was such a joy working with him I can't wait to see more from our adventures.

I wish I could show you guys how long my dreads are now. I haven't had a good photo that shows that in a while. Maybe soon, though!

I'm booking in the bay area until early June. Please send me an e-mail if you want to shoot.

Lots of adventures.

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I haven't been doing much modeling, honestly, and I don't have much to say relevant to that. But I may as well fill you in a little anyway...

I went to a festival in SE Oregon, then to Portland where I hung out for about a week and then I met these nice folks on the bus who told me about riding public transit all the way to Seattle. I needed to get to Tacoma to visit my friend in Northwest Detention Center and also to Olympia to visit another friend. I tried hitching, but it only got us to Vancouver where we squatted for a night and then were able to hitch back from downtown. So, the next day we took buses to Oly and stayed with our friend, then I went by myself to Tacoma. Visiting my friend in the ICE Detention Center was one of the most bittersweet and sickening moments of my life.

I felt I was staying at the house I was at in Tacoma for too long so I took a few days to go to Seattle, where I hung out with Nicole/Candyposes. She is very sweet. I'm really happy I got to meet her!

I then went back to Tacoma for the anarchist bookfair here and to see my friend more. There were so many people in town at that point, it was crazy. There's not much going on in Tacoma, but a small group of people are doing a lot...

I went to Olympia after that and ran into these awesome crust folk bands, their friend who's a photographer and makes patches for them, and their dogs from Winnipeg who I'd met briefly when they played a show in Tacoma. They ended up giving me a ride back to Portland where I ran into the kids I'd met on the bus who told me about transit.. Those guys immediately hooked me up with a loaner bike!! And I ran into some other people I didn't know were in town...

I rode bikes a lot, stretched, worked on my upper body strength, dumpstered delicious tea and veggies, wrote a new zine, read a book about the prison revolts in France in the 1980s and made a lot of new friends. I also went to the clinic and was diagnosed with something I need to receive treatment for, which is going to set my travels back a little... I don't know how long it will take.

About a week ago, my friend in the Northwest Detention Center was bailed out by our heroine friend Betsy, whose parents have a trustfund for. $10,000. Wow.

So I stayed in Portland on Friday night so I could be in this Zombie Rock Opera my friend put on. It was so much fun! [I think there may be photos or video online, but I don't have a link at the moment...] Then on Saturday night I hopped out of Portland to Tacoma.

It was my first time riding trains alone: A huge accomplishment for me. I was so excited and nervous at the same time. The people who let me borrow a bike like to camp out where a good hop out spot it sometimes, so they sat there with me while I waited.. My train came and stopped, I got on and we hung out until it started pulling away. They ran along side for a moment and off I was! What great new friends.

Riding a train alone was one of my goals for the summer! The sunrise took place as soon as I got on. As soon as it got good and fast and noisy, I screamed at the top of my lungs like I never have before, with people around, or even with the fear that people may be able to hear. No one could hear this, surely. And I sang. And peed in a bottle. And got cramps because I was riding in a grainer...
But the train was going very fast. I got to Tacoma in like five hours.
It stopped in the yard but I didn't want to get off because there is an Amtrak station and there were a lot of people, so I waited until it stopped again a couple miles NE. It took me about 3.5 hours to walk to this house from where I got off. But it was a nice walk.

When I got to the house I'm staying at, my friend wasn't here. He was in Seattle. If I had just stayed on the train I would have made it to Seattle. But he was on his way. I took a long nap in the park [I hadn't slept at night] and when I came back, he was here!! It was so great to see him without thick plexiglass between us and metallic extensions of our vocal chords, delayed..

We have been eating so many burritos. You have no idea. Oh, and listening to Black Metal. And drinking Kombucha. And soy yogurt.

I'm going back to Portland soon and I think he's coming with me. I want to catch the last couple days of the Climate Convergence nearby. And of course I have to get treatment for this thing...

So my plans are:
Portland!
Chicago [Probably mid-late August, but it depends on my treatment.]
NYC
Boston/Northampton
Philly
Pittsburgh [By September 16, my mom's birthday.. So I may have to blow through those other cities.]
Savannah [Early Oct.]
NOLA [Late Oct - Early Nov.]
Austin/Houston [Late Nov. - Late Dec.]

Another day at the beach.

It was the day after the one below.

It started at a lifeguard tower, just like the one with Sean.

But it was in the afternoon and the shadows were very dramatic.





And it costed $10 to get the lifeguard tower shots.

But it was fun. And not as cold.

This shoot was with James and it consisted mostly of running around in the ocean. Waves were reaching crotch level at times. It was pretty cold but I went numb quickly.

There were a fair amount of people nearby. I think some guys were watching with binoculars from the parking lot for a short while.


Just as we were getting into his car, we noticed a sheriff car pulling into the parking lot.

Phew.

The Things People Do For Art....

My fourth day in the LA area, I woke up at 3:30am and was picked up around 4:00am by a nice photographer named Sean. We had talked about shooting a lot before deciding we could actually do it. We were going to a beach N. of Malibu to shoot at sunrise. I took a step outside in downtown LA and realized that it would be freezing on the beach. My breathing was weird, I lost feeling in my fingers and toes, and I felt bad but I was definitely complaining a little. But I got to see dolphins and starfish clinging to rocks on shore and I got to help create amazing images and meet a great person.







I lost my earing while there. My friend, Michelle, who I worked with in Pittsburgh in 2003, gave it to me then. I haven't seen her in over three years and I had been wearing this earing for at least two years straight. It must have fallen out in my sleep. It's in pretty much every photo ever taken of me. Almost.

I need a break so bad.

So, last night I boarded a bus to Oakland, Ca. I found out that Megabus is discontinuing their services in California very soon, too, while waiting. And I just found out. :(.

So, bus to West Oakland BART. Got there at 6am. Great. Too bad I forgot that it's Sunday and BART doesn't run that early. Most buses don't start until 8 either, and I don't know the bus system anyway because I always ride a bike here. So I decided to walk for two and half hours to my old house. I had some mail waiting for me: A letter from my best friend Jonah, who is in an ICE detention center, my first passport!, and some photos I ordered prints of. It was so exciting!!... That I took a 45 minute nap. I woke up and got breakfast and then came back to the house to meet my friend Sarah, who lives here still, and catch a BART train to the city together.

We were going to an all-day Photozella shoot. Neither of us had done one yet, but were kind of interested. They go on outings to beaches and spend all day, it's just hanging out in groups of naked people and having photos taken. Everyone is naked, male and female, even the photographers. Cool.

We were going to the beach, but it was too cold, so we went to the redwood forest and a river that runs through it in Santa Cruz. There were about 15 people there, not including the 4 or 5 photographers. The setting was absolutely beautiful and it was warm there [inland.] We went swimming and sat in the sand and socialized. But I was admittedly slightly socially retarded due to lack of sleep and didn't do very well meeting new people. Haha. It was good to have my friend, Sarah, there, and not needing to try to be extra out-going and friendly all the time. I had never modeled in a large group before AND I had never modeled with a friend before. Everyone was super nice and it was a great day!!

Once the sun started to set, some of the more talented participants played with fire or musical instruments. The scene was a little more hippie burner than I generally put myself into, but it was comfortable and a great way to spend a day.

It's after midnight and Sarah and I are going to fall asleep watching Ab Fab.

No photo shoots planned until Portland. [But I did receive some e-mails about the potential of shoots here.... I'm thinking about it.]

P.S. Please forgive all spelling and grammatical errors, as well as displays of poor sentence structure. I have edited this like three times but I keep seeing more. I'm so tired. You have no idea. Ahhhhhhh.

laLAla

On Monday morning, I arrived at Union Station in downtown LA and I walked around for a half hour looking for a coffee shop to no avail until, finally, this homebum stopped me to say good morning. He asked me if I was a tourist. Oh god. :(. I asked him where there was a cafe and the only place nearby was this very strange restaurant with over-priced yucky food and 9cent cups of watery coffee. I hate coffee, but it was 6:30AM, I had just been on a bus overnight on which I was unfortunate enough to have someone sit next to me while others had empty seats next to them, and it was a little hard to sleep.. And I had two hours to kill before the Metrolink ran all the way to Lancaster. So I drank coffee. It was gross.

Then, a few hours later, I met up with ravens laughter and his friend, nevaehhlleh, who were at the Lancaster Metrolink station to pick me up!! Yay!! They are so nice. Later I got to meet the wife, Miya, who also rules.

The first day, Mr. raven and I created some pretty cool images. This is from the first few minutes. We had wanted to work together for like three years and I was nervous about not living up to any expectations. Silly, I know. Well...

Anyway, I stayed there for Monday and Tuesday and then I was off on my own, trekking all over the LA area, shooting. More later. Today is my last day here and I have a shoot in one hour.. But the photographer has not called me back yet. I wonder if he will.

P.S. If anyone who uses Blogger can help me with posting images, it would be greatly appreciated. Questions: 1. Why does it always appear at the top? This one was inserted after "This one is from the first few minutes." 2. Why is the text on the left like that in this post? When I "preview" it, it doesn't look like that. It's much more balanced.

I am sitting in an empty attic room..

Angled walls echo any noise created over the past two years of my life lived in this room. Laughter, - Yay I just saw one of the mice who live in here! - snoring, crying, boring... Nervous breakdowns, mental breakthroughs. This is the room I lost my mind in. I will find someone else's somewhere else I'm sure.

Tonight at 11:59 I am catching a bus from West Oakland BART to LA. I'll be there in the morning. Hopefully I can sleep on the bus.

But, the first time I ever traveled for modeling, in 2006 to San Diego, I was unable to sleep all night and I then worked for ten hours straight.. I think I did pretty good. Sleep deprivation breads creativity!

I've been so stressed out and overwhelmed with this whole moving thing and now I feel very relieved. There are other things that suck about right now. One of my friends is in a horrible ICE detention center in Tacoma for watching the sunset from a rooftop and having an accent. That's probably the worst ever. The facility he's in is often protested by locals and is notorious for denying detainees basic needs, even to the point of fatalities, and for keeping people who are perfectly legal detained for extended periods of time.

Also I have been emotionally unavailable to all of my friends and lovers as well as myself for the past couple months and some people have given up on me, because my apathy has hurt them deeply. But I feel this all lifting. I feel better than I have in a long time.

I feel bad for not communicating terrific ideas or showing how excited I am to be meeting and working with any and all of the photographers I will be in the company of in LA. It's all coming to me now at once.

Shoot with Daren.

At the beginning of the month, I shot with my friend Daren again for the first time in at least a year.. Maybe more. It was nice to see him again! It was a little difficult because he said I was "posing too much" from gaining modeling experience. So I tried not to, and then he would direct me, and when I did what he said he would think it looked like I was posing. Or something. But we worked it out, haha. And we had fun.

Going to LA on Monday

Crap, there are still people I need to call and confirm we are actually shooting next week. I hope we are.. So many people stopped replying to messages after a while or had to cancel or whatever... I am not making much profit. But I've been so busy! Tomorrow, tomorrow..

Anyway. I also don't have a place to stay for the last three nights. Hahah! But I have decided to go anyway. I'm pretty sure I can at least stay in the back of my friend Kyle's friend's truck. [We slept in there a couple months ago while passing through.] I just don't want to impose on her if he's not there, too [He's here now], because we don't know each other very well. But if I'm desperate...

A photographer I'd never spoken to before who lives in Florida offered to send me cash to help out. I declined. Sometimes the line between allowing someone to be nice to you and taking advantage of that person is a little blurry. Maybe I just need glasses.

The first two days I'm going to be in Lancaster at "Raven's Ranch." That'll probably be the best part. I can't wait. I've wanted to work with this guy for years!! Sheesh. And everyone wants me to say hi to him. And his wife [I think?] who I recently just exchanged words with online for the first time and I think we will get along very well.


Okay I'm going to an Iron Maiden show now! Later.