shooting with matt!

when i arrived at matt's house, after driving for two hours longer than google said i would have to drive, and then after that getting lost trying to find his street, he told me that he actually couldn't pay me like we'd discussed because someone stole his identity and bought $2300 of world of warcraft goods, but he would give me some gas money.

but he let me bathe in his sink so that makes up for everything i guess.

on tour again with higher standards.

before i left oakland, i was approved for disability. i also took a semester of school. one of my classes was "wimmin in art history," and the class focused on the media and body image coincided with my getting on disability. i thought that now, since i do not need to rely on my modeling income to live, i could raise the bar a little. i decided to take a stand against being edited to perfection. i decided that i could no longer overlook the fakeness of those amazing images i would get back in which my skin was flawless, my stomach flat, my scars blended in with the rest of my skin. sadly i loved them all. they were an image of myself like no one looks. on the days i was in tune with the reality of my actual beauty, i would see fake plasticized images of others and i would imagine this being what they actually looked like. i would start to be down on myself. i would also imagine others looking at images of me, an oddly figured alternative model, still with an ageless beauty trying to conform to societal faux-norms, and being down on themselves.

so i changed my profile on the modeling website to say that i was not interested in perpetuating this unattainable ideal and contributing to stabs at the self-esteem of girls and wimmin who use the internet. in this subculture it is severely frowned upon for a model to be assertive in this way, to be contentious, opinionated, "difficult." i am supposed to be trying to sell myself and no one wants to buy a product with so many terms and so many boundaries. a move like i made is seen as career suicide. and i like modeling, so it was a little of a bummer. but i figured i could just work with my friends. the amount of work i had been offered had decreased over the last few years, anyway, since i had been aging at an unfortunate steady pace of one birthday a year, been getting more bad tattoos, and not been as active when it came to networking [ie. spending ten hours a day on the internet making mindless conversation (though sometimes fun!) with photographers and other models.] so i figured this was really it. say goodbye to ever working for a stranger who wanted to pay me to model for them ever again.

but i had planned a part-visit, part-tour [the music kind] trip, and i decided to post up some travel notices as a model. what the hell, it couldn't do any harm. and this weird thing happened. i got a fair amount of messages to set up work, for pay, when i was in different areas. not more than ever, but a fair amount. this is clearly what happens when no one reads profiles, i thought. but most of the messages mentioned things like "i like your attitude," and words which connected to the things i'd written or sympathized with them.

my first shoot this trip was just outside of atlanta with vic. we talked about zines, hometowns, punk scenes, body image issues, and how he has two young daughters and hopes things change soon. he used several cameras, including a panoramic pinhole one! i'm worried that i got my hopes up about the kind of people i'm going to be working with from now on.

beaks of eagles images!

see previous post for more information.

just got done with an awesome shoot!

hi everyone,

so i haven't been writing in here too often. i'm slipping up again. maybe i'm writing in here because chris, the photographer i worked with today, mentioned having looked at my blog. wowie! most people do not even take the time to read my modelmayhem bio [a few days ago someone asked: "have you shaved recently by chance?"] and this person even clicked on my link! how pleasant.

also i would like to use this small space to endorse the idea of finding gigs on craigslist. everyone always talks shit about craigslist and says that that's where the creeps hang out. well, my take is that the creeps hang out everywhere, but not everyone who hangs out everywhere is a creep. i set up a lot of work through craigslist. i often meet photographers on craigslist who have modelmayhem accounts [or their own websites, or...] but who just also use craigslist. just like me!

the person who posted the craigslist ad which led to today's shoot was larry from beaks of eagles and the shoot today was a fashion shoot! what a fun change. he's in monterey and asked if it were possible for me to make it down there. actually, he said, "alas, you are my second choice. only because you are in berkeley." and i said, "well, i just started school, but i have a few days off a week and it's only a few hour's hitch." but he ended up coming up here anyway. but he did not have a spot in mind to shoot. he was asking for a "post punk" fashion model and describing grungey environments that he'd like to shoot in. so i said, "alright, i live in a squat. we can't use the whole house, it would be impossible to get everyone to cooperate and some people would be against it anyway. but we can shoot in my room. there's lots of weird stuff all over and cool paintings on the wall and stuff. but it might not be big enough?"
it was big enough.

i was worried that larry and chris actually, once they got here, would not be comfortable and ask to go somewhere else or cancel the shoot or something. many people do not live the kind of lifestyle that would ever bring them to my house. but these two were very into it, and chris is even going to come here in a few weeks for a goth/hardcore/punk show i'm booking! and the images are going to have the background of my beautiful sanctuary of a room!

of course they're not available yet. but i'll post one or two when they are.





i've got some other goodies around the corner, too...

keep forgetting to update!

i am in oakland, living here for a few months again. it's been pretty nice weather for this area but yesterday it rained and i was outside all day. gross. but an alright day.

oh yeah, i cut my dreads off.



[above image by george
, below images by daryl.]

a short trip.

hi everyone,

i am going to go to houston, tx for the first ever houston anarchist book fair and film festival! i'll be tabling there with my radical goth distro, the ambient transient, and also for some bay area projects i'm involved with. the book fair is from april 22nd-24th. i plan on getting to town a little before and staying a little after and am looking to book some shoots around that time. during the actual weekend is not as preferable as a few days before or after, but i will consider anything.

after the book fair, i will be in new orleans until about may 5th or 6th and am looking for work there, too. i think i may get to work with jonathon narducci while we are both there, but i'm not sure yet.

then a friend and i are going to ride to southern california and i guess i'll be there [LA/IE, santa barbara areas] for a few days before coming back to oakland. -- contact me or comment here for updates on specific dates and to nail something down as far as that goes.

then i will need to go to portland shortly after.

but other than that i'm staying put in oakland!! for a few months..

eclectic vision / velella vellella

it was suggested i work with this traveling lady model/photographer while she was in town recently. she was staying at velella velella's house and they both shot me a little, just before it started to rain.

wara!

i especially love working with lady photographers and i have worked with a string of them lately. most of them either are also models or used to be models. and i think they have all been travelers, too! maybe not quite as crustie as i am, but that is asking for a lot.

the first in this recent string i had the pleasure to work with was wara, who shoots some lovely nudes, but we were outside in the city and did not venture into that territory. which was a nice change of pace for me, and now is my chance to show people what i look like on a daily basis. [though if i'm good i'm also wearing glasses.]

travelng models.

i recently found out about this blog, http://travelingmodels.blogspot.com!

and i asked if i could post to it! and they said yes! [i know and admire everyone on there.]

i'm not sure what i should post to it, when i do.. it's hard for me to gauge what to leave out and what to include even in my personal blog, but i'll figure it out.

anyway, very worth reading.

jeffrey m. fletcher in north carolina.

http://www.modelmayhem.com/1840465

is one of the nicest, interesting and most respectful people i have worked with! and his work is very beautifully unique, especially for being showcased on modelmayhem. he is a true artist. he gave me all the tea i could drink and let me hang out with his dog and his orphan cats. i worked with him when i was on tour and he just sent me some images. [he uses film.] i really like the layering of my tattoos especially.