What I Have Earned is Mine

beaks of eagles images!

2011-09-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

see previous post for more information.

just got done with an awesome shoot!

2011-08-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

hi everyone,

so i haven't been writing in here too often. i'm slipping up again. maybe i'm writing in here because chris, the photographer i worked with today, mentioned having looked at my blog. wowie! most people do not even take the time to read my modelmayhem bio [a few days ago someone asked: "have you shaved recently by chance?"] and this person even clicked on my link! how pleasant.

also i would like to use this small space to endorse the idea of finding gigs on craigslist. everyone always talks shit about craigslist and says that that's where the creeps hang out. well, my take is that the creeps hang out everywhere, but not everyone who hangs out everywhere is a creep. i set up a lot of work through craigslist. i often meet photographers on craigslist who have modelmayhem accounts [or their own websites, or...] but who just also use craigslist. just like me!

the person who posted the craigslist ad which led to today's shoot was larry from beaks of eagles and the shoot today was a fashion shoot! what a fun change. he's in monterey and asked if it were possible for me to make it down there. actually, he said, "alas, you are my second choice. only because you are in berkeley." and i said, "well, i just started school, but i have a few days off a week and it's only a few hour's hitch." but he ended up coming up here anyway. but he did not have a spot in mind to shoot. he was asking for a "post punk" fashion model and describing grungey environments that he'd like to shoot in. so i said, "alright, i live in a squat. we can't use the whole house, it would be impossible to get everyone to cooperate and some people would be against it anyway. but we can shoot in my room. there's lots of weird stuff all over and cool paintings on the wall and stuff. but it might not be big enough?"
it was big enough.

i was worried that larry and chris actually, once they got here, would not be comfortable and ask to go somewhere else or cancel the shoot or something. many people do not live the kind of lifestyle that would ever bring them to my house. but these two were very into it, and chris is even going to come here in a few weeks for a goth/hardcore/punk show i'm booking! and the images are going to have the background of my beautiful sanctuary of a room!

of course they're not available yet. but i'll post one or two when they are.

i've got some other goodies around the corner, too...

keep forgetting to update!

2011-06-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

i am in oakland, living here for a few months again. it's been pretty nice weather for this area but yesterday it rained and i was outside all day. gross. but an alright day.

oh yeah, i cut my dreads off.

[above image by george
, below images by daryl.]

a short trip.

2011-04-06T20:10:00.001-07:00

hi everyone,

i am going to go to houston, tx for the first ever houston anarchist book fair and film festival! i'll be tabling there with my radical goth distro, the ambient transient, and also for some bay area projects i'm involved with. the book fair is from april 22nd-24th. i plan on getting to town a little before and staying a little after and am looking to book some shoots around that time. during the actual weekend is not as preferable as a few days before or after, but i will consider anything.

after the book fair, i will be in new orleans until about may 5th or 6th and am looking for work there, too. i think i may get to work with jonathon narducci while we are both there, but i'm not sure yet.

then a friend and i are going to ride to southern california and i guess i'll be there [LA/IE, santa barbara areas] for a few days before coming back to oakland. -- contact me or comment here for updates on specific dates and to nail something down as far as that goes.

then i will need to go to portland shortly after.

but other than that i'm staying put in oakland!! for a few months..

eclectic vision / velella vellella

2011-03-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

it was suggested i work with this traveling lady model/photographer while she was in town recently. she was staying at velella velella's house and they both shot me a little, just before it started to rain.

wara!

2011-03-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

i especially love working with lady photographers and i have worked with a string of them lately. most of them either are also models or used to be models. and i think they have all been travelers, too! maybe not quite as crustie as i am, but that is asking for a lot.

the first in this recent string i had the pleasure to work with was wara, who shoots some lovely nudes, but we were outside in the city and did not venture into that territory. which was a nice change of pace for me, and now is my chance to show people what i look like on a daily basis. [though if i'm good i'm also wearing glasses.]

travelng models.

2011-03-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

i recently found out about this blog, http://travelingmodels.blogspot.com!

and i asked if i could post to it! and they said yes! [i know and admire everyone on there.]

i'm not sure what i should post to it, when i do.. it's hard for me to gauge what to leave out and what to include even in my personal blog, but i'll figure it out.

anyway, very worth reading.

jeffrey m. fletcher in north carolina.

2011-03-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

http://www.modelmayhem.com/1840465

is one of the nicest, interesting and most respectful people i have worked with! and his work is very beautifully unique, especially for being showcased on modelmayhem. he is a true artist. he gave me all the tea i could drink and let me hang out with his dog and his orphan cats. i worked with him when i was on tour and he just sent me some images. [he uses film.] i really like the layering of my tattoos especially.

trying to keep updating.

2011-02-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

some images i got from gary and sandy in colorado [previously blogged about]:

top by sandy, bottom by gary.

it was so nice of them to shoot me with my glasses on. i just started wearing glasses last summer.

the importance of communication.

2011-01-28T18:35:00.001-08:00

it is important to be straightforward, honest and thorough when speaking with someone about things that should depend on boundaries and personal comfort. you may allow this to apply to your entire life but i am going to be focusing right now on setting up photo shoots. [because this is my modeling blog.]

my [sort of] first photo shoot was with a friend who i haven't been in touch with lately enough named steven gelberg. i know i had to have been extremely nervous but we created some very nice photographs together. at one point during the shoot he asked "how do you feel about doing nudes?" he didn't ask in a way that told me that he would belittle me, berate me, tell all the other photographers on me, etc. if i were to say that i didn't want to. actually, i remember thinking that if i wanted to make my living doing this, i'd better start feeling comfortable with it, so we shot nudes. and it was terrific! he was so respectful, kind and helpful with posing. i got started on the right foot that day.

i guess sometimes it can be okay to bring up ideas at shoots even though they were not discussed beforehand, but only to bring them up as ideas.

what about when a photoshoot is in process and then the photographer busts out the ball gag and rope like it's no big deal even though he hadn't mentioned doing bondage before? um.. excuse me, but i charge more for this. and what is your rigging experience? and what if he says "well, we talked about doing fetish and you said you were comfortable with it."

fetish to some people means stockings. to other people it means bdsm.

so now i will rant about the use of subjective terms with little context or explanation. in modeling, an obvious one is "porn." art nude photographers and models will often complain about how some family member is going to disown them for shooting porn or whatever, even though it's clearly not porn. but there are many more. people will often contact me asking me to do erotic, explicit or sensual shoots. i write back and ask them what they mean. a lot of times the answer is not very clear. i can't tell if people are sneaky or just shy. hell, returning briefly to example number one, people have even said things like "i want you to do a shoot with your hands on my penis and then i will cum on your stomach. it's not porn. i'm not asking you to do porn," as if the client referring to it as porn or not referring to it as porn would solidify my decision.

as a nude model, i'm used to the word "implied" meaning implied nudity. but what does that even mean? does it mean that the model is wearing clothing but it looks like they're not in the image? or does it mean that the model is nude but covering any parts that would make an 18+ image? well, either way, recently someone said they wanted to do a shoot that involved "implied" poses and after a few emails i found out they meant implied masturbation.

i have become a lot less shy. now i send emails back that are like "are you talking about my vagina?" or "i need you to be more specific. by 'explicit' do you mean that you want me to be nude, that you want me to take photos of me with my legs spread apart, that you want me to penetrate myself, of that you want me to have sex with someone?" because i have spent days setting up mysterious tentative shoots only to end that process when i find out what these people really have bee trying to say [or trying not to say.]

recently i did two shoots back to back. the first one was with a photographer who hadn't mentioned wanting to do erotica at all, but during the shoot kept saying "we're not shooting anything outside of modelmayhem guidelines" because we were doing more erotic shots than i had expected. he was also pretty respectful of my boundaries and didn't push me to do anything i was hesitant about, which was great, but it helps me to be able to show up prepared for things and it would have been better if he'd told me what he wanted to shoot during the week or two in between initial contact and the shoot. the second shoot was with someone who beforehand repeatedly assured me that he was a gentleman and that he also wanted to shoot some pretty sexual imagery. for this shoot, i was overprepared mentally. the content we shot was not very sexual in my opinion and was pretty typical of my average shoot. and he is a gentleman, by the way. i was expecting to get irritated with him, though, honestly.

the words people use could mean anything, really, i have found. it's good to check to see what they mean to them. and it's good to explain what the words you're using mean to you, too. these things affect others severely. not being clear can lead to miscommunications resulting in awful relationships and unnecessary drama.

gary & sandy!

2011-01-17T15:02:00.000-08:00

i am in denver. first of all, my tour date here went very well! touring has done wonders for my shyness and insecurities. i saw lots of dear friends and i sold out of some stuff. and did 'zine trades!

that was yesterday.

right now i'm so sleepy because i just got back from a five hour photo shoot with gary and sandy! [okay, going to the goth club last night may have contributed a little, although i did not stay out very late.] before the shoot, i'd really only been in touch with gary [during lunch sandy and i talked about how we aren't so into the internet and cell phones and stuff like that so i guess it makes sense.] during our communications, he told me: "We do have two rules. 1. We will not ask you for any spread shots or showing your genitals. 2. I will not touch you, if something needs adjusting, please ask Sandy to do it."

wow.

the shoot today went so well. i wish i could work with these people regularly. they have been married for a while and i loved watching them interact. the three of us got some really nice shots together and i can't wait to see them on the big screen.

tour report!

2011-01-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

tour is going so well! i want to be on tour forever!

i thought riding greyhound buses for a month would kill my soul, but i've got to admit, halfway through, that it has been pretty comfortable. i haven't had any negative experiences and i have had two seats to myself [to sleep in] at least half the time. i find myself wanting the rides to take longer than they already do sometimes. we'll see how this changes as my next two bus rides will be over a day each. tonight i got to houston.

i have some shoots coming up to supplement my income of about $15 per event, which usually goes to buying soggy french fries at greyhound station diners. tomorrow i am shooting with chris at jcp graphics, who once randomly sent me a message asking if i ever go to houston. it's been years since i was last here, but it was a tentative date on my tour schedule so it was funny he asked. i'm excited about it! houston has kind of been sabotaging itself for me--first i didn't know the event had been approved so i didn't make a flyer for it, then i had it posted with the wrong date until very recently, and now my phone has mysteriously stopped allowing calls [both in and out] and i hope to hear from chris via e-mail before it's too late for us to shoot. i have a feeling it will work out, though, because everything else has.

i'll have a couple shoots in denver, too, and portland. and in asheville i had the pleasure of working with jeffrey m. fletcher, whose work is worth checking out and pretty unique. also i now know that he has some beautiful cats squatting his house, and a lovely dog lives there, too. we drank a lot of tea. oh yeah, and shot. we shot a lot.

tour dates.

2010-12-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

hello everyone. i am going to be traveling with a 30 day greyhound pass on a pretty tight tour as an author and musician. i am the kind of person who always needs to be doing something, so i thought i would see if anyone was interested in adding some photo shoots to my schedule. it looks like they will only allow me to choose three locations at a time, so i will have to post more than once. but here is my schedule:

january 2nd evening - january 4 evening: asheville, nc. [i am booked on the 3rd with a shoot and a show.]

january 5 late afternoon - january 6 evening: pensacola, fl. [i have an event at 7pm on the 5th.]

january 7 morning - january 8 afternoon: gainseville, fl. [i have an event at 7:30 on the 7th.]

january 8 evening - january 10 afternoon: pensacola, fl. [the 9th is my birthday!]

january 10 evening - january 13 morning: new orleans, la. [i have an event at 7pm on the 11th.]

january 13 afternoon - january 15 afternoon: houston, tx. [event at 7pm on the 13th, shoot in the afternoon/evening of the 14th. possible shoot on the morning of the 15th.]

january 16
afternoon - january 18 evening: denver, co. [event in the afternoon/evening on the 16th.]

january 19 evening - january ??: portland, or. [event on the 20th at 7pm. shoot on an unspecified day so far.]

then i am back in oakland at the end of january.

more shots by mark

2010-05-31T12:48:00.000-07:00

more photos from shoots with mark

2010-05-31T12:45:00.001-07:00

since i am leaving pittsburgh, and my computer, tomorrow, i thought it would be a good idea to put these online!

hooray!

2010-05-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

since my last entry, i have had the pleasure of working with mark of magical images of pa, not only once, but twice, the shoots taking place less than a week apart. this was perfect because i had planned on giving myself a haircut/color a few days after our first shoot.

i'm having some blogger issues, so allow me to post these as links:
from shoot #1.
from shoot #2.

[now i have glasses! who wants to document this change in appearance?]

i want to work with mark again as soon as i come back to the pittsburgh area. who knows when that will be? well, mark will, as soon as i do. i am in a much better mood now! there are a lot of genuinely kind, respectful and skilled photographers out there. i want to work with you.

p.s. to follow up on the last entry, i received a good amount of support in blog comments here, as well as in person and on modelmayhem. thanks, everyone!

a negative post. have some respect.

2010-05-09T16:45:00.000-07:00

jim rush: next time ur in pls let me know ahead of time and i can get funds together. or if u ever want video work i could get u work without face and a lot of types to choose from.

me: puh-lease. i'm covered in tattoos. how would not showing my face appeal to me? i'll be in pgh 'til the end of the month if that's enough time for a shoot. if not, that's okay too.

jr: how am i supposed to know what would appeal and what wouldn't. a lot of girls have tatoos. that's why i just put out an offer. u'd be surprised how little work on video pays.

me: i'm just saying. people offer to not show your face so it's anonymous. all appeal is lost when one can be identified by tattoos. so that does not apply to me. i have done video work. and i'm over it.

jr: u've done porn?

me: yep. let me know if you want to do a photo shoot while i'm here.. if not i'll let you know the next time i'm in town.

jr: hell i've got a video job that pays 100 to lay on ur stomach for about a minute. show ass only and no actual touching.

me: remember the time i said 'i'm over it?' i would really appreciate it if you could respect me by respecting that. i'm sure you'll have no trouble filling the position.

jr: well i'm not going to work with you anymore if u did porn but always told me u didn't do video. just tell the photogs good enough to hear your full availability.

me: i believe i did video work after the last time we worked together, years ago. and now i don't do video work. i don't see the problem.

jr: how many pornos have you done? i could have actually recovered some of the modeling fees but u always only offered (and still do) the shit shoots.

me: i'm not exactly sure what you're getting at. if you don't want to pay models for modeling, then don't. you are the one who contacted me.

jr: y should i respect u? u never have respected me enough to let me book anything but a bullshit shoot. go back to [la] and do your slutty pornoss. at least i just shoot thwm instead of being in them.

me: whatever. i've got no ethic against doing porn. it is not a good position for you if you do. it's misogynyst demeaning controlling pushy disrespectful crappy video dudes like you who i'm over. women who do porn are beautiful.

jr: the problem is ura bitch who did po9rnos bbut told me u didn't did bondage but refused to with me. u made me overpay u and pay for gas for worthless shoots.

jr: and no i can't fill that position bc u models only tell me half of what ur available for.

me: it's a comfort thing. just because someone has done something or does do something with someone else, doesn't mean they are comfortable or ready to do it with you. boundaries are important and valid

jr: i wonder how much they had to pay the guy in the video to actually touch u lol.

jr: ur right. they are beautfil and ur a skank. and i not a crappy pushy video dude. those were the guhys u worked for. u wouldn't know what i am bc uve only offered me bullshit shoots.

jr: legit boundaries are. buut u being a stuck up cunt and only offering me the worst bullshit shoots ever arwn't vaid. its just u beinjg a bitch.

me: i've never contacted you for a shoot. i've never offered you anything but to be a nude model, which is what you contacted me about. my rates are low and negotiable. you are full of shit. i don't even understand why you're so angry. i don't even remember telling you that i don't do video. but that is true. i don't do video.

jr: i'm just smart enough to realize. i hhave the money to come right now. but i chose to ignore u when u started with "the same types of shots as before" bc the shots before were worthless.

jr: no. u don't do video when i ask. the first time i asked u to do bondage shots and u said no and gave me a worthless overpriced shoot. the 2nd time u said u didn't do video and gave me a bullshit overpriced shoot.

me: uh, i did fucking nude in the snow shots with you. kind of a big deal.

jr: u whined the entire time and the shots sucked.

jr: i'm angry bc i'm sick of models only offering me god awful shoots that no other photographer would want but elsewhere u do everything else.

me: it may be your attitude. but anyway, i don't do video at this point in my life for anyone.

jr: bullshit and u know it. u told me last time u didn't but then u went and did more. ur a slut. u'll do more porno. just not when i offer.

jr: you'll go back to cali, do more video (if they can find another guy to touch your skanky ass) and then come back and tell me u only do bullshit shoots.

me: if you did not have a good time shooting with me and you think the shots were worthless, why would you contact me to see when i would next be in town?

jr: bc i hoped one of these times u'd open up everything u did for me since we've worked together multiple times. but no ur still juust a bitch who thinks she's too good. leave me alone and go do ur slutty porn actress gig with photogs u respect bc u've never respected me.

me: that no other photographer would want? i mean, look at my portfolio. there is one bondage shot. the rest are nudes like the ones i do with you.

jr: yea. public beach nudes. but u refused to do public nudes with me so again i got bullshit shoots.

me: a good time to shoot is at sunrise. there was no one on the beach. a kid's playground in the afternoon is a little weirder. it's totally legit to think someone might show up and not take it so well.

jr: u do porn, bondage, and public nudes. but with me its bullshit overpaid and i have to drive forever.

me: then don't ask me if i want to shoot. jeez. if it's not worth it to yu then please don't waste your time. i did some videow ork in like 2008. i worked with you before i had decided to do video work.

jr: ok do porno still shots then since u don't do video. i can get u 250 to lay on ur stomach and take a cumshot with no touching to ur lower back.

jr: no. the time and place means nothing. its bc its me. always makes u come up with an excuse to only offer me a shoot noone else would want.

jr: and i didnt mean u specifically for 250 bc ur a skank.

jr: we worked together in 2007 and 2008. u could have done video work with me. same way u coulda done bondage and public nudes. u just always choose to offer me shoots no photog would pay for.

me: to clarify, i have done solo video. i have never been in porn video or stills with another person.

jr: ur a liar.

jr: when u can offer me a shoot i would actually want let me know. but i've let u models treat me like dirt for long enough. i just want to know why other photogs can land shoots and i only get offered bullshit ones.

me: i'm sorry you're having such a hard time with models. i have never been anything but honest and respectful to you. i have modeled for you as i have odeled for others who appreciate it. if you don't appreciate it, that is okay. we're on different pages. but there's no need to act like this.

me: if you'd like my honest answer to that, let me know.

jr: i don't appreciate it. and no offense u don't work for other photogs like u did with me. u did good shoots with them and bullshit shoots with me.

jr: well i would like an honest answer but u'd have to leave today out. see saying i have a bad attitude is not an honest answer. bc i only had a bad attitude AFTER.

jr: u only gave me bullshit shoots. so u can answer honestly. but u have to leave today out of it or otherwise it holds no merit.

jr: i've been a huge asshole today. but u can't use that as a reason bc even if i hadn't have (and i was never rude to you before) u still wasn't nor ever would have done video, bondage, or public video with me.

me: you're right. i can send you a message online, being more thorough, about issues that may be int he way of you getting good shoots. my texting fingers are tires. i'll send you a long message today or tomorrow. i'm also supposed to be hanging out with my mom.

jr: no thanks. i don't want to waste time reading an online message. besides u've just always been a bullshit liar when it came to doing good shoots with me so i would just delete it.

me: the message? oh, i thought you were saying you that you would be interested in my answer, leaving out day.

jr: uve had no problem sending all these other texts. tell me these groundbreaking isues keeping me from getting good shoots.

me: i suppose i was wrong then. i wish you luck and i hope you figure these things out. i just have a lot to say and need to eat dinner with my family right now. and i'd like to make sure i put a lot of thought into it. there are several possibilities.

jr: ok well go do whatever. but u just spent 10 minutes explaining why u didn't have time to answr my question so again ur just disrespecting me.

jr: it just gets old getting disrespected by every model. and u respect me so little ud rather spend ur time making excuses on why u can't answer instead of answering.

jr: if u can really leave today out of the equation i'd love yo hear ur reasoning on why i only get shit shoots. bc no offense but both times i dropped u off i felt like i took ur modeling fees and my gas money and just wiped my ass with it.

jr: but ur right thoug. the snowtos were the closest u came to booking me a good shoot. that's why i contacted u again. i thought on a 3rd time u might give me a good shoot. but i was wrong. i've yet to have one model offer me their full availability that they open up to other photogs.

jr: no quick thoughts u can text to even pretend ur showing me a little respect?

---------------

quick notes but i don't think i'm actually going to write him:

issue #1. coersion. trying to tempt a person who has stated they are not interested in a type of work by revealing the details about how easy it is and how much it pays. can also be described as being pushy, not taking "no" for an answer. this is the same way you kept making me smoke cigarettes at our first shoot for pictures sitting on your kitchen counter. this is the same mentality sexual assaulters tend to have.

issue #2. shitty consent. lack of understanding that just because someone has done something in their life or feels comfortable doing something with other people or even if they've done something with you in the past, that does not mean that you are entitled to work with them on that kind of project. this is also a misunderstanding that sexual assaulters tend to have.

you don't have any good ideas, jim rush. this is why all of the photos come out shitty. but even more than that:

and you are not a good photographer. why would anyone feel compelled to work with you? i mean, look at this shit: http://www.modelmayhem.com/hiddenvisionz
i'll tell you why i was. because i model for money. i model for beginning photographers for money so they can develop their technique and learn how to handle their camera. we both benefit and we have a good time. except in this case, i guess.

.........

in my personal life, i have been celibate for almost two years. i am a feminist. i am a survivor. i am healing from all of the abusive relationships i have been in, all the sex that made me sick because i didn't know how to say no and i wasn't asked anyway. i am irritated by the average man on the street continuing to hit on me after i've made it as clear as possible that i'm not interested - following me and being pushy and making me feel threatened. i am irritated by people i am trying to do business with treating me in that same manipulative, "upper-hand," controlling manner. these things are not okay with me and they are not okay in general.

even without all of the immature insults, this person was harmful and disrespectful. and he is not the only one.

i wish there was a support network in the modeling community. on modeling website message boards, if a model posts about having been taken advantage of, screwed over, even outright raped, there is no support. everyone, including other models, blames the model posting. i do not live in mainstream society. that is mainstream society. "blame the victim, don't walk alone at night, don't wear revealing clothes in public."

that is part of why i have to take breaks from modeling.

Body Image.

2009-05-29T00:14:00.001-07:00

Today I didn't eat much before leaving home because there's not much food here. But I went to FNB and ate everything I could and then I went and bought some raspberry fruit sweetened vegan icecream and some fruit sweetened chocolate chip cookies, so I could make little sandwiches while staffing at the bong hall. It was expensive but I made some money yesterday and figured I may as well treat myself. I ate it all as quickly as I could so the ice cream wouldn't melt. Then Kate offered me homemade vegan meatloaf and mashed potatoes and even though I was full I couldn't pass it up. Then I went to smellarity after my shift and someone made vegan banana coconut ice cream. I said I didn't want any because it was cold and I my stomach was so full anyway. A couple minutes later I was looking for it in the freezer. When I came home Yyks offered me some potatoes and at this point I was over feeling too full to eat and in the non-stop eating mode. After I ate the rest fo what she cooked, I ate a banana with peanut buter.

Yesterday I had a modeling gig. It was far away and one of the photographers picked me up at a BART station to drive me there. He had his e-mail exchanages with the coordinating photographer printed out so that he could read directions and things like that. I sat in the back because we were picking someone else up and the print outs sat next to me. I, sleepy with not much to say anyway, glanced over at the paper. It said that I had been on a previous shoot with them, which was true, and that he should remember me from that. In parenthesis it said "waif-like." Really? The other time I shot with them was almost a year ago and I guess I have gained weight since then, but I don't think I look that different and I don't think I could be described as such now. Plus, this person saw more recent photos of me when I replied to the ad he places this time. It made me not worry about eating lots at brunch before the shoot at least.

I wonder why people view me this way. Not all people. There was the time, over a year ago, when Nathan first moved here and he hugged me and told me I was plump, because he hadn't seen me since Pittsburgh. There was the time when I said hi to Muldavia/Consuela/Crazy hat lady on Telegraph and Durant who I talk to about music sometimes and she didn't know who I was. And when I told her she didn't believe me because I was too big.

But most people refer to me as tiny. I am average height. I am not very thin. I know I'm not, because I used to be. When I was in high school my English teacher, who I really liked a lot, told me that she was really concerned about me. People always talked to me about my non-existant eating disorder. It really did a lot for my already low self-esteem, let me tell you. When I had to go get mission clothes to ride the greyhound on homeward bound - they pick out the clothes for you - I was given pants 3 sizes too small. Am I an optical illusion? I have tried to tell friends that I am not tiny before. I get defensive because of how things used to be and I'm proud tht I have gained weight. I lift up my shirt and show them my stomach and they say "stop sticking it out." But I'm not. And they don't believe me.

I kind of worry about this because my mom is skinny but has a really big belly. But she drinks like 100 beers a day. Please tell me this is why.

Since I started modeling, I have started realizing that I am not a petite model. There are lots of people who are as skinny as I used to be. I stand up for them a lot. But I am not one of them anymore. Sometimes it even bums me out. When I went to a clinic in New Orleans and weighed in at 135 I was like "wtf." I was always under 100 pounds until I went vegan. And then quitting smoking probably added a considerable amount. I think I am happy with it overall. I wish I could readjust it in some places.

But anyway, the only thing I am unhappy with is how I am eating when I'm entirely full. About to burst. I used to make jokes about it. But now I think about people who can't eat, even when they're hungry. And it makes me feel selfish and also gluttony is a deadly sin and I am going to burn in hell. Oh jesus. Ahem. Ahh. Where am I going with this? I think I already went there and now I'm justs wandering around.. I think I have said everything I wanted to say.

Finally, something new!

2009-05-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

A new post!

So, I have been back at home in the bay area since January. I'm going to leave again soon, in early June. I have been involved in lots of projects here and not making nearly any money for rent at all! Who cares?

On Tuesday I'm going to start riding my bike to Santa Cruz and then I'll start riding back on the 12th probably.

Last Thursday, I had a shoot at the landfill.
Everyone loves the landfill!

The weather was warmer than it usually is there, being on the bay and all. [Though ever since, it's been raining....] It was so nice to meet L. Raye, who took photos of me for a little under two hours, too! It was such a joy working with him I can't wait to see more from our adventures.

I wish I could show you guys how long my dreads are now. I haven't had a good photo that shows that in a while. Maybe soon, though!

I'm booking in the bay area until early June. Please send me an e-mail if you want to shoot.

Lots of adventures.

2008-07-28T22:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I haven't been doing much modeling, honestly, and I don't have much to say relevant to that. But I may as well fill you in a little anyway...

I went to a festival in SE Oregon, then to Portland where I hung out for about a week and then I met these nice folks on the bus who told me about riding public transit all the way to Seattle. I needed to get to Tacoma to visit my friend in Northwest Detention Center and also to Olympia to visit another friend. I tried hitching, but it only got us to Vancouver where we squatted for a night and then were able to hitch back from downtown. So, the next day we took buses to Oly and stayed with our friend, then I went by myself to Tacoma. Visiting my friend in the ICE Detention Center was one of the most bittersweet and sickening moments of my life.

I felt I was staying at the house I was at in Tacoma for too long so I took a few days to go to Seattle, where I hung out with Nicole/Candyposes. She is very sweet. I'm really happy I got to meet her!

I then went back to Tacoma for the anarchist bookfair here and to see my friend more. There were so many people in town at that point, it was crazy. There's not much going on in Tacoma, but a small group of people are doing a lot...

I went to Olympia after that and ran into these awesome crust folk bands, their friend who's a photographer and makes patches for them, and their dogs from Winnipeg who I'd met briefly when they played a show in Tacoma. They ended up giving me a ride back to Portland where I ran into the kids I'd met on the bus who told me about transit.. Those guys immediately hooked me up with a loaner bike!! And I ran into some other people I didn't know were in town...

I rode bikes a lot, stretched, worked on my upper body strength, dumpstered delicious tea and veggies, wrote a new zine, read a book about the prison revolts in France in the 1980s and made a lot of new friends. I also went to the clinic and was diagnosed with something I need to receive treatment for, which is going to set my travels back a little... I don't know how long it will take.

About a week ago, my friend in the Northwest Detention Center was bailed out by our heroine friend Betsy, whose parents have a trustfund for. $10,000. Wow.

So I stayed in Portland on Friday night so I could be in this Zombie Rock Opera my friend put on. It was so much fun! [I think there may be photos or video online, but I don't have a link at the moment...] Then on Saturday night I hopped out of Portland to Tacoma.

It was my first time riding trains alone: A huge accomplishment for me. I was so excited and nervous at the same time. The people who let me borrow a bike like to camp out where a good hop out spot it sometimes, so they sat there with me while I waited.. My train came and stopped, I got on and we hung out until it started pulling away. They ran along side for a moment and off I was! What great new friends.

Riding a train alone was one of my goals for the summer! The sunrise took place as soon as I got on. As soon as it got good and fast and noisy, I screamed at the top of my lungs like I never have before, with people around, or even with the fear that people may be able to hear. No one could hear this, surely. And I sang. And peed in a bottle. And got cramps because I was riding in a grainer...
But the train was going very fast. I got to Tacoma in like five hours.
It stopped in the yard but I didn't want to get off because there is an Amtrak station and there were a lot of people, so I waited until it stopped again a couple miles NE. It took me about 3.5 hours to walk to this house from where I got off. But it was a nice walk.

When I got to the house I'm staying at, my friend wasn't here. He was in Seattle. If I had just stayed on the train I would have made it to Seattle. But he was on his way. I took a long nap in the park [I hadn't slept at night] and when I came back, he was here!! It was so great to see him without thick plexiglass between us and metallic extensions of our vocal chords, delayed..

We have been eating so many burritos. You have no idea. Oh, and listening to Black Metal. And drinking Kombucha. And soy yogurt.

I'm going back to Portland soon and I think he's coming with me. I want to catch the last couple days of the Climate Convergence nearby. And of course I have to get treatment for this thing...

So my plans are:
Portland!
Chicago [Probably mid-late August, but it depends on my treatment.]
NYC
Boston/Northampton
Philly
Pittsburgh [By September 16, my mom's birthday.. So I may have to blow through those other cities.]
Savannah [Early Oct.]
NOLA [Late Oct - Early Nov.]
Austin/Houston [Late Nov. - Late Dec.]

Another day at the beach.

2008-06-15T23:17:00.001-07:00

It was the day after the one below.

It started at a lifeguard tower, just like the one with Sean.

But it was in the afternoon and the shadows were very dramatic.

And it costed $10 to get the lifeguard tower shots.

But it was fun. And not as cold.

This shoot was with James and it consisted mostly of running around in the ocean. Waves were reaching crotch level at times. It was pretty cold but I went numb quickly.

There were a fair amount of people nearby. I think some guys were watching with binoculars from the parking lot for a short while.

Just as we were getting into his car, we noticed a sheriff car pulling into the parking lot.

Phew.

The Things People Do For Art....

2008-06-11T01:17:00.000-07:00

My fourth day in the LA area, I woke up at 3:30am and was picked up around 4:00am by a nice photographer named Sean. We had talked about shooting a lot before deciding we could actually do it. We were going to a beach N. of Malibu to shoot at sunrise. I took a step outside in downtown LA and realized that it would be freezing on the beach. My breathing was weird, I lost feeling in my fingers and toes, and I felt bad but I was definitely complaining a little. But I got to see dolphins and starfish clinging to rocks on shore and I got to help create amazing images and meet a great person.

I lost my earing while there. My friend, Michelle, who I worked with in Pittsburgh in 2003, gave it to me then. I haven't seen her in over three years and I had been wearing this earing for at least two years straight. It must have fallen out in my sleep. It's in pretty much every photo ever taken of me. Almost.

I need a break so bad.

2008-06-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

So, last night I boarded a bus to Oakland, Ca. I found out that Megabus is discontinuing their services in California very soon, too, while waiting. And I just found out. :(.

So, bus to West Oakland BART. Got there at 6am. Great. Too bad I forgot that it's Sunday and BART doesn't run that early. Most buses don't start until 8 either, and I don't know the bus system anyway because I always ride a bike here. So I decided to walk for two and half hours to my old house. I had some mail waiting for me: A letter from my best friend Jonah, who is in an ICE detention center, my first passport!, and some photos I ordered prints of. It was so exciting!!... That I took a 45 minute nap. I woke up and got breakfast and then came back to the house to meet my friend Sarah, who lives here still, and catch a BART train to the city together.

We were going to an all-day Photozella shoot. Neither of us had done one yet, but were kind of interested. They go on outings to beaches and spend all day, it's just hanging out in groups of naked people and having photos taken. Everyone is naked, male and female, even the photographers. Cool.

We were going to the beach, but it was too cold, so we went to the redwood forest and a river that runs through it in Santa Cruz. There were about 15 people there, not including the 4 or 5 photographers. The setting was absolutely beautiful and it was warm there [inland.] We went swimming and sat in the sand and socialized. But I was admittedly slightly socially retarded due to lack of sleep and didn't do very well meeting new people. Haha. It was good to have my friend, Sarah, there, and not needing to try to be extra out-going and friendly all the time. I had never modeled in a large group before AND I had never modeled with a friend before. Everyone was super nice and it was a great day!!

Once the sun started to set, some of the more talented participants played with fire or musical instruments. The scene was a little more hippie burner than I generally put myself into, but it was comfortable and a great way to spend a day.

It's after midnight and Sarah and I are going to fall asleep watching Ab Fab.

No photo shoots planned until Portland. [But I did receive some e-mails about the potential of shoots here.... I'm thinking about it.]

P.S. Please forgive all spelling and grammatical errors, as well as displays of poor sentence structure. I have edited this like three times but I keep seeing more. I'm so tired. You have no idea. Ahhhhhhh.

laLAla

2008-06-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

On Monday morning, I arrived at Union Station in downtown LA and I walked around for a half hour looking for a coffee shop to no avail until, finally, this homebum stopped me to say good morning. He asked me if I was a tourist. Oh god. :(. I asked him where there was a cafe and the only place nearby was this very strange restaurant with over-priced yucky food and 9cent cups of watery coffee. I hate coffee, but it was 6:30AM, I had just been on a bus overnight on which I was unfortunate enough to have someone sit next to me while others had empty seats next to them, and it was a little hard to sleep.. And I had two hours to kill before the Metrolink ran all the way to Lancaster. So I drank coffee. It was gross.

Then, a few hours later, I met up with ravens laughter and his friend, nevaehhlleh, who were at the Lancaster Metrolink station to pick me up!! Yay!! They are so nice. Later I got to meet the wife, Miya, who also rules.

The first day, Mr. raven and I created some pretty cool images. This is from the first few minutes. We had wanted to work together for like three years and I was nervous about not living up to any expectations. Silly, I know. Well...

Anyway, I stayed there for Monday and Tuesday and then I was off on my own, trekking all over the LA area, shooting. More later. Today is my last day here and I have a shoot in one hour.. But the photographer has not called me back yet. I wonder if he will.

P.S. If anyone who uses Blogger can help me with posting images, it would be greatly appreciated. Questions: 1. Why does it always appear at the top? This one was inserted after "This one is from the first few minutes." 2. Why is the text on the left like that in this post? When I "preview" it, it doesn't look like that. It's much more balanced.

I am sitting in an empty attic room..

2008-06-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

Angled walls echo any noise created over the past two years of my life lived in this room. Laughter, - Yay I just saw one of the mice who live in here! - snoring, crying, boring... Nervous breakdowns, mental breakthroughs. This is the room I lost my mind in. I will find someone else's somewhere else I'm sure.

Tonight at 11:59 I am catching a bus from West Oakland BART to LA. I'll be there in the morning. Hopefully I can sleep on the bus.

But, the first time I ever traveled for modeling, in 2006 to San Diego, I was unable to sleep all night and I then worked for ten hours straight.. I think I did pretty good. Sleep deprivation breads creativity!

I've been so stressed out and overwhelmed with this whole moving thing and now I feel very relieved. There are other things that suck about right now. One of my friends is in a horrible ICE detention center in Tacoma for watching the sunset from a rooftop and having an accent. That's probably the worst ever. The facility he's in is often protested by locals and is notorious for denying detainees basic needs, even to the point of fatalities, and for keeping people who are perfectly legal detained for extended periods of time.

Also I have been emotionally unavailable to all of my friends and lovers as well as myself for the past couple months and some people have given up on me, because my apathy has hurt them deeply. But I feel this all lifting. I feel better than I have in a long time.

I feel bad for not communicating terrific ideas or showing how excited I am to be meeting and working with any and all of the photographers I will be in the company of in LA. It's all coming to me now at once.

Shoot with Daren.

2008-05-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the month, I shot with my friend Daren again for the first time in at least a year.. Maybe more. It was nice to see him again! It was a little difficult because he said I was "posing too much" from gaining modeling experience. So I tried not to, and then he would direct me, and when I did what he said he would think it looked like I was posing. Or something. But we worked it out, haha. And we had fun.

Going to LA on Monday

2008-05-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

Crap, there are still people I need to call and confirm we are actually shooting next week. I hope we are.. So many people stopped replying to messages after a while or had to cancel or whatever... I am not making much profit. But I've been so busy! Tomorrow, tomorrow..

Anyway. I also don't have a place to stay for the last three nights. Hahah! But I have decided to go anyway. I'm pretty sure I can at least stay in the back of my friend Kyle's friend's truck. [We slept in there a couple months ago while passing through.] I just don't want to impose on her if he's not there, too [He's here now], because we don't know each other very well. But if I'm desperate...

A photographer I'd never spoken to before who lives in Florida offered to send me cash to help out. I declined. Sometimes the line between allowing someone to be nice to you and taking advantage of that person is a little blurry. Maybe I just need glasses.

The first two days I'm going to be in Lancaster at "Raven's Ranch." That'll probably be the best part. I can't wait. I've wanted to work with this guy for years!! Sheesh. And everyone wants me to say hi to him. And his wife [I think?] who I recently just exchanged words with online for the first time and I think we will get along very well.

Okay I'm going to an Iron Maiden show now! Later.

As my personal relationships fizzle out,

2008-05-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

I am having a lot of luck with business relationships!

A photographer I worked with recently wants to pay for me to have a VIP account on Modelmayhem. Which is great because I've been thinking about it but don't know if I want to pay the $10 a month. It's payment for a future shoot, which I feel pretty comfortable with. And appreciate more than many things. Now let's just see if it's possible...

Mariah is really fun to hang out with and her cats are nice except one of them didn't want me pickin' him up. :/. Our shoot today was great. I am still picking prickly things out of my socks. What else is new?

This image is from the beginning of our day, just trying to quickly capture some good expressions.

We did two Zivity sets today... Or three or something! I'm very happy with them and can't wait to have more up. My first set hasn't been doing as well as what the average is and I've kinda been down on myself for that.. But these are super awesome! So put them up, Zivity! I'm still trying to figure out that site and how to be seen because there isn't much in the way of networking. But I have some tricks up my sleeve.

[If any of my two blog readers would like to join, send me a message and I can probably help you out.]

Today was exhausting. Hell, so was.. Every day for the past four months. And many more to come. But soon I will be able to breathe.

Holy crap.

2008-05-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry but I couldn't think of a better title.

My friend Kyle is in town and has been staying here for the past couple days. It's really nice to force myself to interact with someone when I've otherwise been totally reclusive.

Anyway, we talk about things a lot. I was talking to him about traveling and how I'm going to be modeling a lot. I said something about how I'd need to find places to shower before shoots and not look all scummy with train dirt or whatever. And he suggested I try to find gigs as a hobo squatter - "You could probably make a lot of money." Kyle has some very good ideas but he doesn't know anything about modeling. "Where would this 'lot of money come from?'" But anyway, maybe he was on to something..

Last night I tried putting "Anyone who wants to shoot me as a dirty train hopping squatter gets first priority! [This is how I travel; This is how I live.]" at the bottom of my MM profile. I went to sleep and woke up to this: " Hello,

I would love to shoot with you, as a squatter, an abducted homeless girl, anything taboo, dark, erotic..."

Hell yes! People are actually interested in that?...

By the way, I should have planned to stay longer in Philly because I'm booking there quickly. [Though not much actually in Philly, just close by for the most part.]

Random thought.

2008-05-24T23:23:00.001-07:00

I started modeling in the first place because I wanted money. And it worked.

But three times a few weeks at the beginning of May, I did trade shoots. I haven't gotten any shots back from those. I have, though, gotten photos back from 4/5 paid shoots that have happened since then.

People say that models who work for pay should not get photos as well. But no one has ever not offered me photos when offering me pay.

I wonder if people who are paying for a service are more into it and more likely to spend time uploading and editing immediately after.

One day,

2008-05-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

after my travels, I will post a very long upset surprising rant. I've been hearing too much. I've been thinking too much - I know, models are supposed to be brain dead. Sorry.

But tomorrow I am working with Mariah Carle and that will rule.

I'll Meet You at the Cemetery Gates..

2008-05-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

http://daryldarko.com/sets.php

Working with Daryl was really fun! He's very nice and easy to work with and has been doing a Cemetery Girl series that you can see at the above link. He's also photographed some awesome bands. And he had a crimethinc sticker on his car but I didn't ask about it...

I have done three shoots in this cemetery now and it never gets boring.

I even had my bachelorette party at the mausoleum. I told Daryl about how beautiful it is there, but we didn't go inside until it was just about to close. :(.

It was a very warm day with a breeze, just like it has been every day lately. I'm finding packing to be a very hard task....

Three Attractive Professional Female Models

2008-05-19T12:14:00.001-07:00

The workshop's focus was body painting and I am still picking paint off of myself after a 30 minute shower. Oh well, I have given myself the next few days off.

I need a break. I think that's why I was getting irritated easily at the workshop. I hope it's okay to post about this without looking like someone who is ungrateful or rude.

But I noticed I was the only model who was painted twice and was shot with three [one when half done] different looks. At 6:55, when one model was almost out the door and another was showering, I was getting my paint touched up. The workshop was 2-7. At 7:15 I told them that I had something to do at 8:00 and needed to get washed up. I didn't get home until about 8:45 though.

Anyway, Rick was very kind. Dave was there and he's one of my favorite people to work with [and has already uploaded three images!] I also got to see some of the shoot he did was Shandra the day before, on camera. They are amazing! My friend Kristin, who I only learned recently is a model, was there, and it's always nice to see her. The other model was a girl named Emily and she was sweet. I didn't get to interact with anyone a great deal, but I liked everyone. And, of course, Suzanne was there body painting. The photo on the flyer is from a shoot I did with her in 2006 at her old studio apartment.

Today is a day I've set aside for personal progress! Wish me luck...

Another from David Wolff:

2008-05-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Busy busy busy.

2008-05-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am modeling for a workshop at Edge Studios that I am excited about. Today I did a shoot with Kena that went great! I think we were equally impressed with each other. I want to talk more about our shoot in another blog, when I have images to share maybe.

Last Wednesday I shot with an amateur photographer named Dan. I had posted an ad on Craigslist looking for work because things were going kind of slow [and boy did they pick up!] We'd exchanged e-mails for a while. I think he felt pretty inferior to all of the photographers whose work is in my portfolio and I tried to make him feel better. I like working with amateurs a lot because I like to think that they will learn from our shoot [either from me or from themselves] and I work for money, anyway. Photos are just a plus, so if they're not usable, it's no big deal.

But I have been using a photo from my shoot with Dan in my portfolio. And I'm smiling in it. How about that?

They are not bad at all...

Little Did She Know...

2008-05-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

David Wolff is a photographer from the DC area and I just happened to come across a last minute casting call from him on modelmayhem looking for a model on May 12th or 13th in Oakland. I came across it on the 12th, after I got home from another shoot, and asked if he'd found anyone yet because I was free the next night. I think I was looking at the castings in California for jobs while in LA and didn't feel like restricting the search to only LA when there are plenty of surrounding towns I can get to on Metrolink. I have been scheduling way too much and feeling very overwhelmed, but I find it hard to pass up a job opportunity..

He was still free and it was his last night in Oakland and he wanted to shoot! He provided references right away. I told him he could contact anyone in my "credits" section and he replied that he didn't need reference for me. "Your reputation precedes you." That was great to hear...

I called him in the afternoon [slept in a lot, my schedule has been bad] and we were supposed to shoot at around 7pm for some sunset shots on the Oakland Estuary. His phone never rang or told him he had a message so we both thought the other was flaking. A MM message exchange at about 6pm saved the shoot! I made it there at 7. He was impressed that I rode my bicycle to his hotel.

The sunset shots didn't work out as well as he'd wanted because there were too many people around for us to feel comfortable with nudes. he had another idea to photograph my inside his hotel room from outside the door, to look like a "Peeping Tom" or spy. It was fun because I got to use my own direction entirely since he was too far away to hear.

I can't wait to see the other images from that day.

Also, I gave myself a haircut on May 5, the last new moon. I have been feeling pretty down lately and it was part of a ritual for death/birth within myself. I have done five photo shoots since then and this is the first photo I have to show of it.

Getting Started Broken Hearted.

2008-05-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

At 4:30 am or whatever unreasonable hour I started this blog, I was adding links to blogs of other models and photographers I love. I went to my absolute favorite and.. It has been all made private. It is on a site made just for the model and the entire site was gone. I went to her Modelmayhem site and it was gone. So, I sent her an e-mail. I was crushed. I'd been suffering from insomnia and was particularly emotional.

When a person works in a field that is not typical for them, they are surrounded by people who don't understand why they do the things they do* and vice versa. So, when I find someone who shares one of my strong opinions or ideals, they inspire me greatly and help me understand myself. Candy was the only model I knew with a feminist blog.. Now she has retired from modeling. I will always admire her.

There are some others who have made me feel more comfortable and I am thankful for them as well.

*" i gotta ask... i figure you can tell me to mind my own business.... Why have you chosen to not shave for over a year?"

"I stopped shaving at 20 when I went transient for the first time. I stopped wearing makeup at that point, too, because it would be too hard to put on every day and I wasn't washing my face very often while on the road anyway. It was very hard for me to look in the mirror without makeup on and be happy with who I actually was, without a mask of white powder and eyeliners [because I always wore goth makeup.] It was a gradual thing that took a while.. And it made me very frustrated with the societal "norms" and ideas put into young womens' heads about what is beautiful and what it not. Shaving goes with that, too. Why add so much or take away so much based on what someone tells you you should look like? ...

That's my story."

" two more questions... are you still married? and Are you transient still and what does that involve? where is home for you?"

"Yes, I am still married. Home is the bay area until the end of the month and then it is wherever I happen to be. But I'll be back here in 6-8 months. My trip to LA will be fancy in my opinion because I will bring a lot with me and I will be taking a bus to and from and staying at peoples' houses. Generally, as a transient [which I was taking a break from being until now], I travel by hitch-hiking or on freight trains and I sleep under bridges or in abandoned houses. Or just outside somewhere. And I only carry a backpack with maybe one change of clothes in it and some books."

" why?"

Testing, 1, 2, 3, 6, 6, 6.........

2008-05-15T03:30:00.000-07:00

Oh hello there.

I am about to go on a trip. I have always leaned towards hoboisms. But this time I am going to incorporate modeling in every major city I can! Today I was working with a nice amateur photographer in the SF Bay Peninsula named Dan - Who replied to a Craigslist ad I posted and doesn't have a portfolio that I know of, or I would link to it. - and he asked me if I would be posting travel experiences and updates.

I have always done this personally to an extent but as adventures become my every day life I slack off more and more. This time it's different though as I'm traveling as part dirty street musician train hopper and part beautiful business woman! I have decided to start a blog for the first time for anyone interested in my work or what I have to say at all.

For anyone who doesn't know me...

I have been modeling for about three years. Alternative, art nude, fetish, alt. glamour, even commercial sometimes. One could even call me a "professional model," because it is my only source of income and I am able to make a living this way. When I do live indoors, I am able to pay my rent and utilities and all of that. I really only do paid work.

I am pretty active on a site called modelmayhem. [My portfolio there: http://www.modelmayhem.com/wyndmulysa.] I use the forums there to communicate with people and I don't know why because for the most part I don't care about anything posted there. But I have met some great people and it's good for networking. Maybe this will take some time away from that, though.

I am an anarchist, a feminist and activist. I am a vegan. I don't drink or do any drugs. I have tattoos and dreadlocks and I don't shave. I don't go shopping. I am a minimalist. Sometimes I sleep under bridges or in abandoned buildings. I am stronger than I look. And I am here to share experiences....